What does your bag say about you?

Monica Botkier, loved by Angelina Jolie, pleads utilitarian but works with pleating and ruching. Somehow that doesn't add up to utility. "That's because she uses buckles and studs in a functional way, it's a more girly - no, that's not the right word - feminine look." Her violet satchel has a "younger edge to it", appealing to the schoolgirl lurking in us.

Versace, leader of the old IT-bag gang, screaming with opulence and coveted by Beyonce, Madonna, Jennifer Lopez, Liz Hurley et al, has toned down and swivelled its eye towards a youthful market, too. Watch out for patent leather satchels.

Here's another insight: women judge each other by their bags. Stalking is rife, Huey says.

"They get bag envy. I know I do. I check them out to see if they're fake or real." She can even tell the difference between the 2.55 Chanel quilted bag (named after the date it was launched, February 1955) and Marc Jacobs's quilted mini-Stam (named after his pal, model Jessica Stam), jokingly photographed as a hat.

Coco Chanel invented the inside pocket for "women's secrets" and the shoulder strap because, as she put it: "I was fed up holding purses in my hands and losing them so I added a strap and carried them over my shoulder."

Marc Jacobs's Stam bag put him on the map and is still a best-seller. With its 1950s frame and kisslock closure (a classic purse clasp), Huey forecasts iconic status for the bagman. In BAG, which showcases 30 of the world's most exciting designers, Jacobs rates up there with Dolce & Gabbana, which also strives for "more austere designs". Ditto Isaac Reina's industrial aesthetic, Kaviar Gauche's avant-garde utilitarianism and Jas M.B.'s fiercely functional messenger bags. Is this another sign of the shocking times in which fashionistas are forced to toe the line with sartorial meltdown?

Experts say yes, colours are toned down to black, beige, tan and chocolate brown, with a few brighter shades on the catwalk. Tell that to Moschino's Absolutely Lovely red heart bag by a designer known for quirky cheek. "When you buy a Moschino bag that's why you buy it." (Its Rugby Ball bag, however, is brown.) Versace, too, can't give up red. Jerome Dreyfuss says his tan Tom and far-from-classic shimmering python Billy bags are made to help women organise their lives. "I don't care for IT-bags, I am not happy to be known for them. They are worn by Paris Hilton."

Rocio UK, working with acacia wood and precious stones, is not an IT-bag brand. Neither is Bulga but what of Chloe? Her 2005 arm candy Paddington IT-bag is now history and "she is all about stitching, definitely not logos and locks and metalwork". Erva says logo-mania is overexploited. Liberty says one piece kept and cherished is the way to go. Loewe of Spain is for "provocative classicism". Phillip Lim says

IT-bags are passe but he is in love with big bags: "They're such a statement without being obnoxious."

With the exception of Rocio UK and Ports 1961's Hogni clutch sculpted in wood, favoured materials are lamb, deer, python, ostrich, snake, alligator, iguana, lizard and pony - a touch gruesome in print and not for the vegan-vegetarian reader. "In the leather world that's normal," Huey says. "There are ostrich legs too, quite small but interesting. Things like that excite people in this industry."

But what about Milan-based Zagliani, owned by a one-time dermatologist, whose crocodile and snakeskins are made supple with cosmetic filler injections? How gruesome is that? Huey's not sure whether he does that before or after. "I hope they are dead. I didn't have the nerve to ask him," she says.

All very creepy. But then Jamin Peuch pops up with what he calls his recipe for Gallic style - witty, whimsical and humorous. "After all they are only bags, it's not art, you have to have fun with them," Huey says. "That's the French for you."